Last week I attended a three-day conference on Soul Care. It was an intense three days focusing on how to have a healthy soul and spirit. The first morning of the conference, I was driving alone to the conference, and God kept bringing one particular part of my past to the forefront. At first I blew Him off and said, “I have already dealt with that, it’s over”. But as He kept saying it, I started feeling something towards God that I never have before.
Rage.
The more He talked to me, the angrier I was. Previously, whenever I looked back on this particular subject, I felt only a sense of gratefulness that God had seen me through the difficult times. But now, something was different. Instead my thoughts were, “Why did you ever let this happen to me in the first place?! If You had saved me I wouldn’t need to still be healing so many years later.”
Blame.
I quelled my emotions for the course of the day so that I could focus on what I was learning and every time I felt God knocking on the door of my heart, I turned away, thinking, “I’ll get to You later, when I have time”. Then He said “I want you to paint out what you’re feeling”… in my mind I screamed “Fine!” with sass.
That evening, after sitting through a day learning more about anxiety, depression, and relational maturity, I threw my things down in my room, grabbed my craft box, and headed to the basement. Finally, I opened up and started talking to God. While painting my feelings out, I screamed and cried until I had nothing left in me to say and then just laid on the floor.
Listen.
I invited God to tell me what He had to say in regards to everything and He was faithful. He reminded me that while He is a good God that doesn’t allow bad things to happen, we have free will. In everything, we have a choice, and consequences always follow. If we stay aligned with Him and make choices that move us closer to Him, the consequences are beneficial.
Unfortunately, I chose not to be aligned with Him in the past. As a teenager I was very rebellious and stepped away from Him. Very gently, God showed me that because I chose to be apart from Him, He could not break the laws that He created and keep me from the ensuing pain. Every choice has a consequence. I suffered the consequences of my actions but He stayed with me as I walked it out.
For so many years, I never would have considered throwing a fit to God. “He is to be revered, feared, and honored”, I thought. But what He truly desires is a relationship. Relationships require honesty. It is a two-way street where dreams, feelings, and expectations are expressed and discussed. And I’m here to tell you, the more honest you are with Him, the more honest you are with yourself. God can handle anything we throw at Him. He is strong enough. He cradles us while we are at our worst and smile the whole time, even though His heart is breaking the entire time.
I encourage all of you to go tell Him. Just be honest, tell God your joys and your pains and ask Him to show you where He was during the most difficult times when He seemed absent. He has never stepped away from that challenge before. He is waiting to show you something entirely unique and wonderful, made just for you.
“Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put you in, let love come teach me who you are again. Would you take me back to the place where my heart was only about you, and all I wanted was to just be with you? Come and do whatever you want to.”- In Over My Head, Bethel
