I Am A Mistake

     I grew up with the best loving and wonderful parents that I could ever ask for. They encouraged me, loved me unconditionally, and believed in me. Regardless, during my adolescence, I had this gnawing feeling that I was not enough. I wasn’t the outgoing and humorous one, I wasn’t flawlessly beautiful, I was by no means proficient at being an athlete. I was clumsy, quiet, awkward Aimee that made strange comments at inappropriate times.

     When I got to college, the sense of unbelonging grew. By this point, I was old enough to have defenses up to protect myself when I felt excluded. I told myself I was unique and that it didn’t matter what anyone thought about me. I exuded an air of confidence bordering on arrogance.

     And then I moved to Georgia and learned what shame was. It was a term that I had heard my whole life but had always confused in my head with guilt. But then I heard the words of Brene Brown “Guilt is saying I’m sorry I made a mistake, shame is saying I’m sorry, I am a mistake.”

     Throughout the week I learned what shame feels like for different people. For some, it feels like a heaviness that is physically weighs them down. For others, it is a hot feeling in the pit of their stomach. Everyone feels it in different ways and for me, that feeling is like fire racing from my stomach all the way out to the rest of my body. It is a feeling of horror at myself at what I just thought or said that quickly turns into rage. I beat myself up mentally and when provoked, I explode on the ones that I love. I say hurtful things because I don’t feel like I deserve their love. And then I turn on myself more for hurting them.

     Now that I understood the difference I started tip-toeing down the path to self forgiveness. I learned that to fully rid myself of shame I had to “bring it to the light”. AKA tell people around you what causes you shame. Honestly, I did not see how that would help at all, I just knew that the people I told would find me disgusting, horrible and that I would be rejected. But, I also did not want to carry around that feeling anymore so I slowly began entrusting bits and pieces of my story to different people.

     Acceptance. The unexpected response. Every time I spoke about a problem that I felt ashamed of, the response was “me too” from at least one other person. And they loved me, hugged me, and prayed for me. 

     For the first time, I realized that when God said that he forgives me and does not see my sin, He really means it. The weight, anger and pain is crumbling away one piece at a time. And now I am beginning to stand in my clumsy, quiet, head-in-the-clouds body and I am okay with it. God didn’t ask me to be perfect, He just asks me to be myself. 

     “When I lost my grip love held on tight, even my worst didn’t change your mind. My guilt and shame lost in your grace…With my hope locked in and my future sure, my life has a cause worth fighting for. My soul exists to know your name.“-Lifeline, Hillsong Young and Free